SURPRIIIIIIIIISE!!!!!!!

Spam emails are my worst! They are the vermin cockroaches of the cyber-world and I wish that someone would invent a programme that would fumigate them for good. We all get them, and we all hate them. I've had my fair share of offers to purchase bargain properties in Brazil, buy enough dietary supplements to cure world obesity, not to mention hiring the services of private investigators to find out who my spouse is cheating with and have my name removed from Interpol's list of the 'World's Most Wanted'. I've also lost track of how many times, despite never in my life having bought a ticket, I've had the winning numbers to the UK Lottery. And from time to time, I have also been surprised to learn that my Aunty Mable McDaughtry or Mrs Regina Lewis (may they rest in peace), have passed away and left me their mansions and estates in the British Midlands. Normally, the only attention and effort that I afford these emails is to click and delete them, but yesterday I received one that topped them all. It came from Agent Brian Bernstein of the FBI, written on an official FBI letterhead (surprisingly with no spelling and grammar mistakes)... and was sent from the official FBI 'gmail' address. After catching my attention, the email content proved to be even more interesting, as this time, I learned that my Uncle Yusuf Mahmoud Majjib of Kuwait (may he too rest in peace), has also recently passed away, and after much research and investigation, the FBI have tracked me down in Madrid to come collect my inheritance. Uncle Yusuf, God bless him, has left me 450 000 barrels of oil!!! According to my calculations at today's indicators, oil is trading at $111/barrel which means I'm now $49 950 000,00 richer. How could I not reply and say 'Thank you'?

Dear Agent Bernstein,

I have just received and read your email and what a surprise! I'm surprised, and terribly saddened, to hear that Uncle Yusuf has passed away so suddenly, and even more surprised to find out that I actually had an Uncle Yusuf as Ma and Pa never told me that we had family living in Kuwait. I'm equally surprised to hear that Uncle Yusuf has chosen me, above all my other relatives both in South Africa and, er, in Kuwait, to inherit his bounty of 450 000 barrels of oil.

This, however, could not have come at a better time, as me and the Missus are about to retire and now we can fulfill all our wildest retirement dreams. I'm going to surprise her and buy her a big, black Winnebago so we can tour the country. She's always wanted to go to Atlantic City and Yosemite and see Mt. Rushmore and hang-glide over the Grand Canyon. Heck son, with that much oil, I could even drive her down to Texas to see the Alamo.

Oh shoot! Why'm I writing all this out. I forgot to tell you that I too work for the FBI. I'm not a fancy agent like you guys up on the 16th floor, I'm just an admin clerk in HR on the 2nd floor, and surprisingly, I can't seem to find your name on our files. But, tell you what. I'm going to take a quick break and shoot upstairs and see you, so we can chat in person and you can tell me how I can get this oil out of Kuwait.

Yours in anticipation,

Linton Nightingale

PS: Just a heads up. They get pretty sticky and are quite touchy round here about people sending emails on the Agency's letterhead from the Agency's 'gmail' account. It would be a good idea to use the proper server next time.

May you too have a day full of wonderful, pleasant surprises. Remember, the Lord supplies in mysterious ways ... and I hope I'm not placed again on Interpol's list of the 'World's Most Wanted' for impersonating an FBI HR clerk. I knew I shouldn't have deleted that private investigator's email.

God bless